Understanding it slowly
Before i joined med school, i did ask around, or maybe i did source around for the various melee of opinions regarding life in med school (contrary to popular belief). Ominous warnings have been the victor.
“You will have no social life!”
I never took these warnings seriously; well i was never one to heed warnings in the first place. I always take my lessons in life with pride. They come hard, and they mean business.
No social life? I scorned it. I didn’t believe it, didn’t accept it, and most of all, thought it was ridiculous. How can there be no social life in med school? Time is in our hands; we manage it, we manipulate time. We are the Masters of time.
Unfortunately, like all life lessons, i failed to heed the warning signs of impending doom. This semester has been one of great emotional turbulence, to the point that it affected my physical health, to the point when i am so distracted that i am doing the bare minimum for my academic studies. The past few weeks have been a genuine whirlwind of sobering contemplations, the facing of harsh realities, the tearing down of walls, and the complete refurbishment of the way i used to handle the emotional aspects of my problems.
I have survived it, Lord knows how much strength i needed, and i am definitely not the same person as the one who tumbled straight into this emotional cyclone.
Med school indeed devoids you of a social life. I scorned it previously, because i didn’t know better. Social life is not just about partying, doing sports and plainly carrying out leisurely activities that does not involve a scrap of note or a textbook or an iota of medical information. Social life, i have come to realize with increasing clarity, refers to my ability to not neglect my close friends and loved ones, and to maintain firm relationships.
Another thing i need to mention is that, making close friends in the same faculty as i am is very important. It is almost crucial. Why do i say that? Let me tell you solemnly; i have made a really significant close friend in college. We hang out together, we laugh, and we share our troubles. We do crazy stunts and we embark on wild escapades. Unfortunately, she’s probably returning back to her home country next year. Sad? Definitely. Inevitable? Absolutely. What can i do about it? Nothing.
People come and go. It’s impossible to create a support network when people do that. I am not saying my friendship with this friend would go down the drain once we are located to different continents. Hell no. I sincerely wish with the bottom of my heart that our friendship can adjust and adapt to the stress placed by physical separation and can only strengthen and not weaken. But sometimes, it is important to have close friends by my side when i am in trouble. Why?
When i am in serious trouble; and i don’t mean serious physical trouble like being threatened with a short spell in jail or stuff like that. I mean when i am bogged down with problems, and i am filled with fear, fury, confusion, sadness and plain anxiety, i need someone to just spend some quiet time with me. When i am in this stage, i am probably unable to talk about my problems or articulate them anymore. All i want to do, is just sit somewhere and reflect on the raging turmoil inside of me. And i need someone who’s willing to just sit beside me and wait for me patiently as i recollect my thoughts. Just the understanding that someone who is sitting beside me, pledging her time and support for me, is very important to me. This is why, a close network is really important.
Friends are very important to me.
Back to the topic in hand. I have found more potential people whom i think i can extend a closer friendship with (i know it sounds mechanical to put it in this way, but it is 15 minutes past 2am, and i am tired, but i need to get this out of my system). They are willing to come out with me, and to meet. But you know what? I am totally agonized over it. I really really really want to spend time with them; but med school is a completely demanding bitch. My workload is never-ending. I cannot emphasize that. It is too much. I try my utmost to complete my lectures and readings, but each time i barely finished, the professors stack more on top. Wanting to catch up is beyond me now i think, though i am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. But tell me, face with such an impossible workload, is it still possible to maintain some sort of sanity in my friendships?
I feel so tugged, so stretched, in every directions. I get guilt trips from everything. Every waking moment is spent reminding myself that i need to get through the set of notes waiting for me since last week. Every sleeping moment is interrupted by anxious thoughts of waking up to get more studying done. And every second i spend alone, i am filled with remorse that i have been such a lousy friend to my close friends.
Tell me, how exactly should i go about handling this? 24 hours is all i got, but it is never enough. Never bloody enough.
(Just a note: I am not upset or anything. On the contrary i am pretty happy at the moment, because i got all the heavy stuff (i.e. complicated thinking stuff) resolved over the past few weeks. You all will be glad to know that my health has bounced back, and i didn’t lose any weight unlike the popular opinion. Relax about my health. I got a god damn layer of fats over my abs, i am going to kill myself!! But this is the pertinent lesson i have learnt from all the thinking i have done. Friendships need a lot of effort in helping them flower. Med school is like a shitty drought, absorbing every drop of moisture it can find. I am just shocked at how bad it is. That is all.)
First day of my Clinicals
oh hi ppl! time to update about my life again.
basically, last week was a full week of examinations, back to back, everyday! i think our lecturers think that we, OT students are superhuman or something! but i’m quite thankful it was one “short” week la…. if they dragged any longer, i’d have done something stupid to myself liao… like knock my head against the wall or something….
that was not really the worst thing… What’s worse is, they only gave us 2 days to rest (weekends i mean) before our clinicals started today!@!!!! so i started my attachements today at an acute hospital at the orthopaedics ward. it was not as rountine as i thought it would be…. but still, there are protocols and rountines to follow, which i think i would be able to grasp at the end of the second week. should be quite easy to get the hang of things in this setting i think… basically, we have to conduct patient education, caregiver training, engaging the clients in activities of daily living like feeding, eating, toileting, showering, making self a cup of coffee etc… OTs are concern about the patient’s ability to function in their daily task and activities (which also include their leisure and work). {hopefully, you people are clearer about what OT does now and can differentiate OT and PTs?)
anyway, i managed to spend my weekend rather fulfillingly (hopefully there’s such a word)…… friday, straight after the last paper, my friends and i went on this TREASURE HUNT to find one of the nice western food stall located at a coffeeshop in Ang Mo Kio area…so…our adventure begins. first, we walked the way out of the school, went to the wrong busstop, board the bus on the opposite direction, then we realised our mistake and managed to reach the coffeeshop in one piece at 3 plus…. our adventure started at 1 plus btw…. the coffeeshop is within 3km or my school’s circumference…..after that, we went to sing our lungs out at the KTV nearby… it was really fun singing with them, especially when all of us are lunatics, who are overly stressed from all the projects, exams and clinicals…..
Sat:went to my granny’s place on sat morning, then met my OT friends for shopping and dinner…. buti din manage to buy anything (so sad…)
Sunday: wake up late, rush 3 weeks worth of japanese homework but couldn’t finish.. (FYI, i skipped japanese lessons for 2 weeks already), attended the lessons, followed by a visit to chinatown to buy CDs, met my friend to borrow her clinical uniform, dinner at grandma’s place, followed by studying for the clinicals till one!
that’s why i’m a zombie at work today…. cant get anything into my head…..
anyway i learnt my lessons and is going to sleep soon!! take care you people!
Haze Over the World Tonight
All I see is a blanket of smoke enveloping the whole city. What a bummer especially since today is the Mooncake/Lantern Festival and a bright, clear and luminous moon is highly anticipated. Instead I saw a Halloween-like moon that is orangey-red and evil looking. Chinatown was choked full of people when we drove past it. The display of lights was enchanting (gigantic lanterns and gently swaying Chang-Ers). That was before the haze hit Singapore big time at around 9 p.m.
Visibility was down to 200m and the air was filled with acrid smoke. You know the PSI is high when you can actually smell the haze. I tried not to think of the gazillion bits of particles I was inhaling per minute. Everybody started complaining on how they couldn’t breathe. It’s probably psychological but you know how Singaporeans are so used to clear air.
But I think all of us were pretty shocked as we stared incredulously at the smoke that crept in relentlessly. The light from the street lamps was distorted and diffused, creating a strange glowing halo (my environment law professor told us air pollution is the cause of the beautiful sunsets we see). The streets were eerily silent and bore an uncanny resemblance to “Fear Street”.
What made the haze more personal was the fact that I am currently taking the “International Environment Law” module together with Kah Ming. Coincidentally (or maybe the prof planned it), we just handed in our 3500-words analysis of the haze and forest fire problems. It’s kinda exciting to see that what you learn is actually applicable and not like the integration and differentiation we will NEVER use again. That’s one aspect of law that draws me to it I guess. It’s “real”.
Anyway, I went for the first law fac female soccer practice today. Had to act extra friendly and smiley cos I didn’t know anyone there except for one girl. But I’ll probably stick to it cos I realize that my uni life is rather unfulfilling. There are tons of activities available yet I’m too lazy and inhibited to participate in any. Can’t imagine how I dared to join ODAC in JC when I did not know anyone there. Nowadays, the thought of having to meet new people simply puts me off. Just don’t feel like going through (nor do I have the energy) the process of making friends. I’m glad that I made friends with my good friends before I started becoming more anti-social.
Mag, all of us are worried about you. Kah Ming said you sound really bad with your hacking cough and severe weight loss (for once, I’m not congratulating you for losing weight). In fact, I felt a little scared when she described your health or lack thereof. I TRIED not to think of it but I can’t help thinking about losing you. Touch wood a million times of course. I just can’t imagine you not being there to spew vulgarities at me or cursing the tennis balls we never seem to hit or proudly showing me your book collection or just being there to hear me whine. Please don’t do stupid things like running when you’re ill or worrying about things that you do not have control over. I really want to see you looking strong and energetic as usual when you return this Dec. So do take care.
Worth above rubies
It’s been really long. We’re all busy with our lives which seldom interwine with one another’s, yet we all remain friends, strung together by an invisible thread. I’m glad for that (:
Have you thought about who you want to be in future? It’s so strange. I’m 21, i ought to be firm and established in the person i am, confident of the future and working towards my dreams. Not really…i’m still finding my step and place in the world, stumbling, unsure. My tuition kid Lydia is 15, sec 3 now. In many ways the 6 years between us is very evident – i (and all of you) are a lot more independent, we do things ourselves, manage our own things etc. But emotionally, it’s so strange (and rather disconcerting to me) that she and i connect super well.
I don’t know…it’s like, do we never grow out of this? Or is it just a person’s character? I often look in the mirror feeling despaired. The pimples won’t go away. I have many flaws. And the worst part is, why should all these matter? I mean, inner beauty and all that, plus i ought to be happy and contented and you know, get on with life right? Well, yes, i’m still trying, but there are days.
While flipping to the end of my latest Agatha Christie mystery novel (it’s Cat Among the Pigeons, this time), this lady Alice was given a bag of a few deeply sparkling jewels, worth a few million each. Her lover-husband was some prince in the Middle East and he died while escaping a revolution. They got married in the US so their son would be legitimate, but no one knew about it. Yea anyway he left her the jewels, and this man was asking Alice if she wanted to keep it.
He watched her with curiosity, the sudden flicker of excitement, the hungry covetous eyes – and then the flicker died.
“No,” said Alice. “I won’t keep – even one.” She flushed. “Oh, i daresay that seems daft to you – not to keep just one big ruby or emerald – just as a keepsake. But you see, he and i – he was a Moslem but he let me read bits now and again out of the Bible. And we read that bit – about a woman whose price was above rubies. And so – i won’t have any jewels. I’d rather not.”
That part struck me much, because Alice valued her worth far above the jewels that were given her. We’re all worth that much i expect we know. But it’s nice to be reminded of it again, that we’re women of worth, behave like one.
Anyway, that verse? It’s from Proverbs 31. The virtuous wife (or maybe, woman, in our case). Prov 31:10 Who can find a virtuous (meaning a woman of valor, in the sense of all forms of excellence) wife? For her worth is far above rubies.
