Flotsam & Jetsam

We all have a shell around us. This shell protects us from hurt, from sadness, from great tumultous emotional upheavals. I have this shell. Or rather, i shall say with much cynicism, i used to have a sturdy shell. But it has been gradually worn down by my training in med school.

This shell; it prevents people who barely know you from penetrating too deep and leaving their marks. These attacks are the so-called vibes you collate from the people around you. Sometimes it is conscious, most of the time it is unconscious. You don’t know about it, but you form impressions of the people you have met.

Med school trains us to be more receptive of the body language of patients. We are able to effectively tune in on the little unconscious gestures, the small sway, or the unspoken words, all which are silent but are deafening at the same time. Although i am not a master at reading body language, i have definitely progressed a great deal, and am far more sensitive.

And i don’t know whether that is a good idea.

With increased sensitivity to people, i am now exposed to the complications of individuals. I learnt, and am still learning that there are manipulative people out there with thoughts so complicated that i think it is easier to find God then to understand his creations.

I am a simple person. I am complicated, but i never complicate things. I always serve to simplify them as much as possible. It just makes life that much easier you know? Life is challenging enough, i do not need to fan the fires supporting it. But what happens when you stumble upon people with so many complications and so many issues that it puts infinity to shame? What happens if said people suddenly takes an interest in you, and you find yourself surrounded by people whom you think you can trust but you can’t simply because they are scheming and it is harder than hell to fathom their motives?

I have never be able to handle emotional stresses. I will admit that now. Politics? I rather exclude myself promptly than participate in it. I gave up jobs that paid handsomely because of politics. I quit my beloved Judo to escape politics. My friendships were put to the test when my first taste of politics was bestowed upon me in high school. Politics? I hate that filthy word.

Complicated people? I steer clear of them like how one would steer clear of poisonous snakes (unless you are Steve Irwin). Unfortunately, if one wants to make a beeline for you, what other choice do you have left but to defend yourself if you know you can’t outrun it?

I was bogged down by this people-trouble for a couple of days. Holidays well spent in misery. I have a week of study break now, and i suppose i should be thankful that all my people problems are coming in in a gush at an ample time (note sarcasm). It was affecting my budding friendships with other people because they couldn’t understand why i was so spaced out, and i was too exhausted to bring myself to even broach upon the trouble i was in.

I was in something deep, and i didn’t know how to get out of it. All i felt like doing was finding the darkest corner i could seek, dig the deepest hole i can ever muster; and then burying myself in it forever and never wake up. Yup, it was one of those shitty days, and i doubt i am even pmsing so i don’t even have a lousy excuse for myself.

Then today; i was nearing some point of overkill. I walked into the chapel (which the deputy rector of my college had honoured his word to me in ensuring that the chapel would be opened exactly from 8am-10pm daily), knelt down, and for the first time this semester; i prayed really earnestly and with all my heart. I apologized for the previous times when i was riding a smooth wave for not talking to him; i thanked him for the good times he have given me, but now i am in trouble. Really really am. I told him that whatever lesson he wanted me to commit to memory, make it quick because i doubt i can hold on much longer.

Most of all, i asked really softly, whether this was his way of bringing me back to him. And if it was, i apologized again. But i never asked him never to use such a measure again. Because i know, in the near future, i bet i would stray from the path and he would have to patiently lead me back again.

And hours later, i had a very frank talk with one of my friends to straighten out our friendship. It was really in the phase of make or break, and God knows how relieved i am that it was the former. And then that same friend finally sat me down and asked me what was bothering me, because it has been a couple of days that i have been acting all strangely and out of sorts.

And i don’t know why; i finally divulged the niggly problem of the said complicated individual who was near wrecking my life and that of a really important close friend. We never came to a conclusion, but does it help to know that my heart feels so much lighter and i can breathe easier, and maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day? I did. Someone cared. Someone understood. The huge gambles and risks that i took and ran regarding friendships here in Aussie which had been disappointing and almost defeating in the first 3 semesters have finally paid off in a few friends in college. Now i am worried it wouldn’t last, but i guess it is natural to feel a bit anxious.

But the point is, i feel much better now. I may not be strong emotionally, but all i have to do is ask, and God will help me, because God is a God of Love. And i just made a very strong new friend. That’s a start.