for those tears.
Sorry for not having blogged for the LONGEST time, school is no excuse i know. OK, i haven’t been commenting on your posts, but i have lots to say about them, so get ready to spend more time reading!
Mag, i really don’t think your reaction regarding your friends is extreme. In fact, it shows they are important to you. Yiwei, your latest entry was touchingly honest, and while reading it i felt so glad that you feel the same way, about life, about friends. I hope we get to meet up soon. And all the best for your exams Jiaying, d-day in only 3 days! I’ve been meeting up with Wai Han very, very often, surprisingly she isn’t sick of me (yet). I hope this continues though, because i’m having a lot of fun.
OH. PLEASE JOIN THE STANDARD CHARTERED RUN. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE i think it’s gonna be so fun for us to run together please please please please
There is a difference between trying your best to be optimistic, and truly being happy. I mean, we should all try to be optimistic in general because life is too short to spend it being depressed and unhappy right? But despite my unfinished readings, very inadequate essay, messy room etc, i’m feeling…well, there’s no other word for it. I’m feeling happy 
:):):):) And i intend to milk this feeling for all its worth. Nothing in particular happened. It’s just that for the past few months, something has been on my mind (i’ll tell you about it another time) and though i refused to allow it to stop me from living life to the fullest, it has still been my mind. I realise now that there isn’t anything i could do about it because i’ve done my best to live life and be cheerful. One thing i really dislike about myself is that i’m extremely emotional – on the outside i probably look all boring and stable, but not really, because things affect me easily, i can’t reason my way out of my feelings, and it seems that my feelings is my god. I can’t think past my feelings, i can’t act past my feelings. I don’t like that at all.
This week though, came something different. I was feeling damn sian on Monday night (please, finishing class at 930pm 3 days a week is no joke especially cos i’m lazy and all that) and usually i’ll give in to how i feel and continue being all pessimistic and depressed etc. I don’t know what’s so different about that night. But i went home, and told God that i’ve been trying hard to be joyful, but i can’t help not believing His promises, i can’t help feeling unhappy though nothing in the world is wrong. The worst thing (for me, at least) is when my faith in God can’t give me hope or joy. So, i sort of knelt down (romantic notion huh, just like Anne when she said her bedtime prayers or when she experienced a life-changing event, looking out of the window into the Lake of Shining Waters) and er, okay, cried with tears running unglamourously down my cheeks and mucus streaming in blobs out of my nostrils, shoulders heaving and all that. I told God that despite whatever shit i’m feeling (my feelings are grossly inaccurate many times), His promises are true. I will choose to trust Him. Nothing is over until Jesus is glorified, and whatever i do, i will do for His glory, and the consequences are not in my hands, but His. I know i will surely not be able to keep this up, but by His grace, everything will be okay.
See, the thing is, nothing happened. I mean, nothing drastic in my life happened. I don’t know why things happened that way either. But the fact is, actually, after that day, everything seemed to take on a brighter light. I’ve always liked university quite a bit, and now i look forward to school. Not the parts where i don’t understand my work and all that, but school in general makes me pretty happy, reading, listening to music, going out with friends, exercising, doing whatever…everything is covered with a rose-coloured hue. I know that feelings don’t last. Hopefully i don’t expect it to either. But i genuinely pray that after that incident, i’ll learn how to put my feelings second place to what God says is true. After all, He didn’t say He’ll make me feel that He’s with me. He simply said, “I’ll never leave you nor forsake you.” And that’s that, it’s up to me to choose to believe.
I’m sorry for endlessly rambling on about all these God stuff. But this is important to me, and i just wanted to write it down to mark this week as perhaps, some sort of start? Thanks for your understanding.
Alright. It’s getting late, and i should er, start on some work. I have to get to school by 12 lugging 3 thick sets of photocopied books for my friends and argh, i must go swimming too otherwise got no other better time. Hope everything is going well for all of you, and i really hope we can meet soon.
Being the only med student in the family
So you think being the only one in the family on the real road to becoming a doctor is a cool thing to be proud of? Well, think again.
Sure, relatives coo and fawn over you. Even the most anti-social uncle or aunty would decidedly take the time off to specifically speak with you, an occurrence probably rarer than the next asteriod slamming into Earth. Youger cousins look at you with open admiration; older cousins no longer treat you like a kid, but are now more impressed.
But you know why i hate being the only one in the family dabbling in the medical field? Because all health troubles and worries would somehow or other be channelled to you. One day it would be this relative, another day it would be a neighbour. Armaggedon strikes on the day you discover that your immediate family members are the ones asking for your help.
Let me put this plainly. I am currently only a second year medical student. Stuff i know, i merely glean off from textbooks, and that is hopefully, if i didn’t misread it in a rush. Clinical skills are a bare minimum. In short, i do not trust myself. At all. I am just not prepared or equipped enough with the relevant skills to help you.
I was put in this tight suffocating situation. I racked my brains, and came up with plausible solutions to the problem. But i am not confident enough to say that it is nothing. After all, the most mild signs can stem from the most sinister diseases. I am just not experienced enough to be able to tell the difference.
A suggestion to visit the doctor will probably fall on deaf ears, because i suspect that denial runs strong. I can’t decide which is worse – that i wash my hands off this matter and demand a visit to the doctor (and try to ignore the fact that the visit would never materialize) or try my utmost best to find out the diagnosis (which is wholly unethical and it is not within my ability to do so).
I desperately wish that there is someone else in my family who wants to and makes it into med school as well. I don’t think i can single-handedly shoulder this burden by myself.
P/S: This blog is starting to look abandoned. Someone should do something soon.
Running away from reality
I have been going out a lot lately. Too much. I have a test (another one! Can you hear the sigh coming already?) on Monday. I have this week’s lectures to go through, and 2 weeks of new readings to plough through. I can’t get myself to sit down to study.
Finally Kawther my neighbour pointed out frankly that i am just running away from my workload. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But it certainly seems that way doesn’t it?
Regarding my last despondent entry, i am just relieved at Yiwei’s reassurance. I guess if it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, we have to move on. I got over my insecurities, and i was pleasantly surprised when my friend finally asked me what the hell was wrong. She had sensed the change in my behaviour, but didn’t want to ask me because she wanted to let me cool off. I couldn’t explain to her, so i just pointed her to the entry’s link.
We are all good now, the 3 of us.
What else do you guys want to know? I can’t believe i face a mental block when it comes to blogging my feelings. Aha. I guess i write best when my emotions are at their most intense, and inspiration is aplenty.
I have plenty of appointments coming up. Cash has slowed to a trickle. I may have to resort to performing street arts on the street if this goes on.
Next weekend, i am heading off to a mountain for a weekend of skiing. Or rather, i am going to try my hand at snowboarding whilst the rest of my friends are going to ski. I have skiied before in Korea. It was okay. I have tried wakeboarding and i like it. So i am thinking that snowboarding may be more fun. That is unless i break my neck like a chicken.
The week i come back from my ski trip, i may have to attend my college ball. Right now, i am still undecided whether i should go, although the theme sounds fun. It’s a circus ball. Wendy is going and she’s urging the bunch of us to go because it is going to be her last year staying in college. I want to go because i don’t want to disappoint her. We will have to see.
The next week after my college ball, i would have the grand Medical Ball to attend, the highlight of all medical students. It’s going to be an intense week.
And the next day, i would be off to Wendy’s birthday party. It is looking like i will be guzzling beer for 2 consecutive weeks. Not that i mind. I haven’t had a drop to drink since i came to Aussie (i am refering to vodka and beer. i did drink some red wine when i was at one my college’s formal dinners. Kawther actually removed the bottle because she thought i was going to get myself drunk. I was indignant that she had so little faith in me. Oh well).
So yeah, it is looking hectic for me. Gosh. Life feels so surreal now. I have been going out so much with friends that it doesn’t feel like i am studying medicine anymore.
I should get a grip soon.
P/S: I have uploaded new photos on Flickr. It’s from our night of sleepover.
friendships + life + school
Hi people. Sorry for conveniently forgetting to blog last week! Seem like every week is very hectic for me. Anyway, I was busy doing my FYP (final year project), which took up most of my time.
Friends
Anyway, just to follow up Mag’s topic on friends, I’ve decided to write something on that too! Haha… By the way, Mag, I don’t think you are being overly possessive or what. I think it’s perfectly normal for someone to feel that in your shoes, unless you are someone with abundance of friends, someone who do not value your friends, someone who is overconfident about self. Haha.. I think you are just afraid of losing that close bond with your friend and the thought of having to get less time from your friend. I mean we don’t mind sharing our friends, but if the process happened to quickly, one would certainly feel insecure of the sudden change. At least I did… I guess you people all knew about my friendship with Sx. I was very affected rather by the incident actually! I started questioning myself. Did I do anything wrong to deserve the sudden change in the friendship? Was I a bad friend? And blah blah…. Actually, till today, I still don’t know what actually happened. Sigh… okay… enough of depressing stuff!
Anyway, I have a question about friends to ask you people. Why is it that sometimes classmates can get along really well with you in school and after school but will not make any effort to meet up during holidays? Anyone know the reason? Was it just a superficial kind of friendship, or are they just to busy to cope and catch up with their old friendships (i.e. JC friends, sec sch friends)? Anyone with the knowledge, please enlighten me!
Significant incidents in my life
Jiaying, KM and me met up dinner and a chat last week, and we were chatting about our “dreams” and “passion” about life, we came upon the topic about the future and I said I wanted to experience some major/ drastic changes in life, which will actually trigger my personal growth and maturity (I suppose I’d grow more mature!) I also can’t seem to identify any incident or issue that had greatly affected me when asked by KM. But after upon reflecting, I came to identify some of the incidents that I deem to be traumatic.
- When my primary school English teacher threw my exercise book on the floor! That may have contributed to my low self esteem (at least I think I have lower than average self esteem!). So teachers out there, please consider things from the viewpoint of the kids, just because they are young doesn’t mean that they can get over things easily!
- “Breakdown” of friendship btw Sx and me
- My choice of entering the Occupational Therapy course instead of a typical university course, i.e engineering, arts and social sciences. I don’t know where I got the courage and guts to make such a choice actually! I never liked being very different from the others!
OT
Actually, my fingers were kind of aching to blog about what is Occupational Therapy(OT) and stuff related to it. Do you people actually know what kind of course I’m in and what I’m doing? Do you want to know? I can share about it and help to promote OT at the same time! Haha… the main purpose was to educate you people about it so that you people can give me suggestions on where I should go next for my clinical placements! So if anyone is strongly bored by the idea of reading about OT please tell me!
++Sorry about the flow of this blog… my mind keeps jumping from topics to topics.. tried to make it more structured through the headings. Hopefully, it make things clearer!++
Jealousy? Please tell me not.
Since Wai Han mentioned that hearing what is really on my mind is far more interesting, i will be more than willing to oblige.
I have been asking myself this question the last few days. Am i possessive person? Do i get jealous easily?
One of my close friends came over to Aussie to study. She knows no one here; hence i introduced her to some of my friends, to jumpstart her social circle in a foreign land. I introduced her to one my neighbours, who i was hanging out with quite frequently (read: becoming fast friends). They hit it off immediately. I was happy.
But then, within 2 sessions of meeting, my close friend asked for my neighbour’s msn contact and mobile number. I furnished all these information willingly but after much thinking and speculation on my part. I felt funny. I felt threatened.
I had this overwhelming fear that my neighbour and my close friend would become such close buddies that i would be fast forgotten and left trailing in the dust. I was suddenly afraid that instead of an expanding social circle, my group of friends is shrinking. I was scared that if my close friend and my neighbour really hit it off, my neighbour would suddenly develop this outrageous but not unrealistic mindset that my so-called friendships are very superficial since i can lose my friends, even close ones, easily.
I kept all these thoughts to myself, not divulging to anyone. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because i felt like i was backstabbing a close friend whom i have known for 7 years. Plus, i really do enjoy my neighbour’s company and i really think we can be buddies, so it was wrong to speculate about her like that too. And i couldn’t differentiate whether i was just being possessive or whether this was a normal feeling that people get.
It doesn’t help that this close friend of mine has a long history with me. I don’t mean romantic history. We are both completely hetereosexual. We were in the same class when i met my first best friend, P. We were really close, prodding fun at each other, and just teasing each other like normal teenager girls would do. Unfortunately, this raised the hackles of some very jealous classmates. Basically, another classmate sneakily got between the both of us. I tried to tell P, but she couldn’t see, and she just dismissed me. It is especially frustrating when I can see the smirk on the instigator’s face but P couldn’t.
Numerous attempts to bridge the growing chiasm between P and i failed. I surrendered. A friendship takes 2 not 1. Of course, once our great friendship was over, the instigator had no need to continue putting up her act. P realized her mistake, and she tried to apologize. But things were never the same again. Once bitten, twice shy.
I suspect that that incident which occurred back in high school never quite left my mind. It was really traumatic. And because my close friend happens to come from the same class, i must have subconsciously linked the 2 incidents and hence develop such an irrational fear.
I sat down and i thought about it for quite a while. If my friendship is strong, i am pretty sure that my close friend wouldn’t cause me to feel this way. And i also realize that there are some social protocols that you have to follow to reassure your current friends that your friendship is still important. Of course, it’s all right to get the contacts of my neighbour, but i believe that it shouldn’t happen in a mere span of a week? It should happen more gradually instead of so abruptly because it is quite a shock?
In fact my neighbour and my close friend went over to her place and chatted till the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t there but my close friend did tell me about it. But i still find it a little unnerving that 2 complete strangers can hit it off in such a dramatic fashion within 3 times of meeting each other.
Consequently, due to my speculations and confusion and fear, i distanced myself from the both of them just so i could think and observe the whole situation more clearly. I know it may not be fair to my close friend, after all 7 years of friendship have to lead to something more substantial right? But still, i don’t think it’s fair to me either that i am suddenly faced with this huge prospect of losing a close friend in a matter of days.
Things have become less tense. I don’t think my close friend has any inkling of the undercurrents that are surging because i am very private about it. I no longer feel threatened because i have thought it through and my close friend has since quite unintentionally indicated via her actions that my speculations were mere speculations. But i am still kind of hostile to my neighbour, of course not openly hostile, but not as warm as usual. She can feel it, i am sure, because her body language has proved to me that she has noted my defensive and guarded demeanour. Hell, we are both medical students, so we are both astute in noting body languages.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. My neighbour is still as nice as ever; i can feel the stirrings of fun we had, but i just cannot bring myself to treat her as warmly as i treated her before, yet. One thing i ought to mention that is catalyzing this feeling is that on one occassion we were talking about some random stuff and as usual we were on opposite ends of opinions. I made a remark that i can’t remember but certainly involved my close friend. My neighbour’s reply left me cold, “Ha, but now she’s my friend too!”
Is it me or what?
I sincerely believe that both friends are sincere trustworthy people who can make good buddies. But emotions are a hard thing to deal with, and they must be taken one step at a time. Somehow i believe my old wound was disturbed, and now i am festering from fear all over again.
I must learn to handle this, because it is not fair to my close friend and my neighbour. Such emotions can wreck a long-standing friendship, and bring a premature end to a potentially wonderful one.
As for P, she migrated to US. She came back to visit a few years ago, and i was really cold though she was friendly. In the end, my icy exterior melted and in the last few minutes that we parted; she mentioned the incident that created such a yawning gap between us. I suppose it was an unresolved issue and she felt really bad about it. But at that moment, when i could speak to her about it, i realized that i have moved on.
You know how it is when you just have these stirrings of great enjoyment when you are with a particular person? You just know that this person can be a good friend? Yup, i felt it at that time as well. Unfortunately we lost touch. I haven’t been able to contact her for a while now. But i have a feeling i may bump into her someday in the future, and the friendship that was lost back in high school would be rekindled.
winds of change
I haven’t been writing for a week, and Mag misses me (i think, hur hur) and i’m touched. Last week wasn’t particularly pleasant so i don’t want to think about it anymore. Nothing happened, really, just that i didn’t feel good, and feelings define my life unfortunately.
Today’s national day and i’m grateful to be living in safe Singapore along with all the privileges i receive, so thank God.
Nothing seems to come to mind today, so i’ll copy this passage from Anne of the Island (the same Anne of “Anne of Green Gables” fame that Wai Han LOVES and yes Anne’s become my heroine too, i wish i’m just like her) that i found inspiring. It’s gonna be pretty long, so bear with me.
[One of Anne's friends, Ruby Gillis, is dying. Ruby is quite flighty, and is in denial that she's going to die soon.]
Anne said, “I think, perhaps, we have very mistaken ideas about heaven – what it is and what is holds for us. I don’t think it can be so very different from life here as most people seem to think. I believe we’ll just go on living, a good deal as we live here – and be ourselves just the same – only it will be easier to be good and to – follow the highest. All the hindrances and perplexities will be taken away, and we shall see clearly. Don’t be afraid, Ruby.”
“I can’t help it,” said Ruby pitifully. “Even if what you say about heaven is true – and you can’t be sure – it may be only that imagination of yours – it won’t be just the same. It can’t be. I want to go on living here. I’m so young, Anne. I haven’t had my life. I’ve fought so hard to live – and it isn’t any use – i have to die – and leave everything i care for.”
Anne sat in a pain that was almost intolerable. She could not tell comforting falsehoods; and all that Ruby said was so horribly true. She was leaving everything she cared for. She had laid up her treasures on earth only; she had lived solely for the little things of life – the things that pass – forgetting the great things that go onward into eternity, bridging the gulf between the two lives and making of death a mere passing from one dwelling to another. God would take care of her there – Anne believed – she would learn – but now it was no wonder her soul clung, in blind helplessness, to the only things she knew and loved.\
“I want to live,” she said in a trembling voice. “I want to live like other girls. I – I want to be married, Anne – and – and -have little children. I couldn’t say this to anyone but you. I know you understand. And then poor Herb – he – he loves me and i love him, Anne. The others meant nothing to me but he does, and if i could live i would be his wife and be so happy. Oh Anne, it’s hard.” [...]
Anne walked hom very slowly in the moonlight. The evening had changed something for her. Life held a different meaning, a deeper purpose. On the surface it would go on just the same, but the deeps had been stirred. It must not be with her as with poor butterfly Ruby. When she came to the end of one life it must not be to face the next with the shrinking terror of something wholly different – something for which accustomed thought and ideal and aspiration had unfitted her. The little things of life, sweet and excellent in their place, must not be the things lived for; the highest must be sought and followed; the life of heaven must be begun here on earth.
Anne Shirley, you inspire me.
From the ashes
My mind has been made.
From you i shall walk.
Disappointments no more i will take.
Solutions out i have run.
So be gone my friends
No links we will cherish
I without regrets
A new road i will walk
A new chapter i will write.
For this is Life.
MY LIFE.
Ok, that is just a weak attempt to be slightly poetic for once. Wai Han, i don’t wanna hear any of your snide comments!! Be positive for once! 
Yes guys, i have decided that it is time to walk away from a sport that has been giving me a lot of heartaches and headaches. With the workload piling up for this semester, i can no longer afford the luxury of spending nights thinking of solutions. Besides, i also realize that i can never join a recreational club in Singapore, because no one entertains beginners. Might as well get over and done with it.
But i am still keeping my softball glove. Not auctioning it off or donating it to charity anytime soon, because i still harbour the hope of playing softball again…maybe in the US or somewhere after i graduate, and am working already. Right now, it just doesn’t look too possible.
And fret not, i have found a brand new replacement. Squash! And this time with proper coaching at affordable rates. Woo hoo. And there’s competition too! But i am not going to learn how to fly even before i crawl. I shall learn the game first and get better at it. Yiwei, i haven’t forgotten our deal of you being my squash partner!
And guys, i am not sure what kind of entries i should post up. I think this blog is more for us to update one another about our whereabouts and whatever muck we are getting ourselves into, rather than the prospect of getting more readers to our blog right? I do have other types of stories i could post about, like stuff in medical school or funny things i see in college. Basically easy-to-read and humourous entries. Or i could just blog heartfelt stuff out, which is not that nice to read all the time and maybe a tad too deep and boring. Personally i prefer the latter, but hey, this is a group blog, so i am fine with anything.
So let me know k? And Yiwei, nothing’s too redundant! Blog more about your life!! And anyone knows what is happening to Kah Ming? She hasn’t blogged in ages. I shall send her one of my infamous sms reminders. Heh. 
National Pride
National Day is on August the 9th. There is a festive and almost jubilant atmosphere in the air as if everybody’s waiting to partake in a grand celebration. Strange as it sounds, I always feel a little nostalgic and sad during this period. Maybe it’s because I feel excluded from all the bustling preparations taking place around me. I miss the time when National Day was integrated (unwillingly sometimes) into my life, a celebration as anticipated as the Chinese New Year.
National Day was a big thing back in primary school. I remember one year where we had a singing competition. The class who sang “Singapore Town” won the competition because they incorporated actions and props into their performance. I can’t remember what my class performed though. Ngee Ann Primary was especially enthusiastic with the singing. All of us were given song sheets and flags to wave around while we congregated at the hall. But at least we were uninhibited enough to actually sing. In TK, the voices diminished slightly. In VJ only half the school turned up for the half-day celebration.
My favourite National Day song is “My Favourite Things”. We sang it in TK. It’s not one of the overplayed repetitions you hear on radio; a less popular song I guess. I heard it recently at a most unexpected place – Safra pool. Apparently the lifeguards have to endure these patriotic renditions 24/7. Unlike them, I enjoyed listening to the songs and started reminiscing about the times we crowded in the hall belting out songs in tandem with the music.
My sadness can also be attributed to not being able to attend the actual parade. It is held at the National Stadium this year. Having performed at both the Stadium (rehearsals) and the Padang (the actual day), I prefer the iconic Padang which is flanked by the old Supreme Court, the City Hall, the old Parliament House and the Esplanade. Right in the heart of Singapore.
Standing ramrod straight under the evening sun in my Girl Guides uniform trying not to twitch a muscle, I experienced my first burst of national pride then. I didn’t exactly feel honored marching for the parade. It was tiring and hot. What I enjoyed most was the camaraderie and how thrilling it was to be so near to the fireworks, gun salutes and the mass of spectators decked out in red and white. It was my first “live concert”. I felt goose bumps, shivers and tears when the Pledge was recited and the songs in four different languages started playing. “….We are Singapore… SINGAPOREANS!!” A sudden, never before experienced feeling of fondness and pride for my country stirred in my heart. I guess it was an emotional moment for many of us.
For this National Day, I’m planning whether to watch fireworks outside or catch the whole parade on TV. Just two days ago, I visited the Istana for the first time when it was opened to the public in conjunction with the National Day celebration. My friend and I never made it to the President’s house itself. We were too captivated by the sun-drenched lawns and plopped down on the lush and immaculately mowed grass. I don’t know why but the grass there does not make you itch nor do you find pesky insects lurking in the ground. It was blissful lying there thinking of nothing but eternal sunshine…
So Singaporeans, the least we can do now is to dig out the National Flag from the store room. It’s still not too late to fly our flag!
