Flotsam & Jetsam

This is how i felt (and still feel) yesterday. I imagined a conversation with a friend last night when i went for one of my regular runs would have gone like this:

"What's bothering you Mag?"

"What? Nothing."

"There is never nothing!"

Silence on my part as i concentrated on my run and the thoughts whizzing through my brain.

"You are running slower than usual."

"Ok."

"What is it? Results?"

A look crosses my face.

"Bad?"

"Average."

"Disappointed?"

"Disturbed."

Granted i rarely run with friends, but i thought this was how the conversation would have started and ended. And this is the only way i know how to replicate my thoughts, fears and confusion about my examination results.

Yes, i got back my examination results last night. It didn't help that my internet was feeling cranky again, and threatened to cut my connection any minute whilst i waited in trepidation for my results to load.

I take 2 modules – CRL (Cardiovascular Respiratory Locomotor systems) & Health Practice. I got H2B (Second class lower) for both. And i am really not amused anymore. I was aiming for at least a H2A (Second class upper) for both.

I am not disappointed because i did study, and i put in a lot of effort. Therefore, i know i didn't let myself down. But i am really disturbed by my results. Typically back in secondary school and junior college, the results i obtained always share a direct proportional relationship to the amount of work i put in. Recently, it has been increasingly apparent to me that this is not so in university. The workload increases exponentially, but the results remain stagnant. It's infuriarting and daunting at times.

Last year, one of the professors did address my cohort and told us that the average grade the cohort get is a H2B. He specifically mentioned that we shouldn't give in to hysteria or anxiety attacks just because we are no longer hovering near the top of the cohort in terms of academic performance. It's true. All of us medical students; we are used to the reality of being one of the higher acheivers back in junior college and secondary schools. But now we belong to a faculty where the best are pitted against one another. Reality doesn't appear that rosy anymore.

I am not saying that i expect to be one of the higher acheivers nor am i boasting that i was one of the higher acheivers. What completely befuddles me is the thought that i am not doing something right, and this is causing my slide in academic performance. What i fear, when i return to school, is to learn of friends who did much less work than me, but yet reaped a higher grade. This is what scares me the most – that i am merely studying hard but not studying smart. This is the very essence of inefficiency, something that i cannot afford.

I can't lament to my close and good friends, not because they wouldn't listen but because no matter how hard they try, they cannot understand the gravity of my situation. You cannot comprehend unless you are in the same situation as me. It's true across the board. Friends studying in other professions will tell me to chill and maybe try to figure out a solution with me. Unfortunately it doesn't work.

I have been cracking my brains, examining and analyazing my study method from all angles. I don't see where a flaw can lie. Besides, i am really really happy and satisfied with my level of understanding. I actually feel that i know more than some of my peers. I read references, i scoured textbooks, and i attempt to listen in class. The only major glitch i see, is my inability to listen attentively during lectures. I have been trying to focus at least on 3/4 of the lecture and i did. It helped in some of my understanding, but surely that cannot be the sole cause of my slew of upsetting results??

My medical clique is split into 2 widely-varying groups – one group insists on reading all the resources (i.e. different textbooks on the one same topic) and the other is completely laid back and just wave textbooks away. Notes are enough, they said. And let me tell you why i cannot confide in them about my problems, and why i have to post this entry here and not on my personal blog where quite a number of medical students have access to.

For the former group, they tell me i am too busy. That i have too many sports and too many activities. I should spend more time on my books. And i should pay attention in lectures. I should record lectures if i can't pay attention, and then go through it after school to catch those damn nuggets of information that i missed out on.

I listened to their opinions and i thought about it. But you tell me. I am an outdoor person. Sports make me really happy. You want me to cut out my softball and my badminton, you want me to cut out the times i volunteer at the Dog Pound just so i can put in more work? My agenda in life is this: I want to be happy, i want to lead a fulfilling life. I know that life is more than results, and there is more in store for me to learn. How can i neglect the development of my character and my desire to help the needy in the community, which i can enhance through my team sports and my voluntary work, just so i can score straight As?

Now that sounds contradictory right? Here i am lamenting about my poor results and yet there i am saying that life is more than results. I want to know why i can't do both. Because it is not possible? I don't think so, everything is possible. Because i lack the intelligence? You got to be kidding. I got this far; it would be an insult to undermine every other person who did not manage to get into medical school. Besides, i believe as long as you have 23 pairs of normal chromosomes, you have the same intelligence as every other. It's a matter of how you utilize it.

The latter group of medical students tells me that i shouldn't rely on textbooks too much, because the authors of the textbooks are not the one writing my exams, and they are not the ones marking it either. Many of my professors are leading researchers with published and unpublished results of their research, and therefore the textbooks we are reading now may not be that updated. They tell me that i should take every single thing down that they said in class.

Again, that's true. But i still think that reading textbooks and other references are important because they help lay down your foundation and your background knowledge. A rock-solid fundamental is required for clinical years. So maybe, just maybe, the references i am reading now is not going to be reflected in my current results but it will help me later on? Or is just a pointless theory that i conjured up to console myself?

Come to think of it, i strongly and firmly believe that my study method is not wrong. I just need to add on something to it. The full attention required of me for the whole fricking lecture. That's the resounding point from my medical pals hailing from widely differing study styles.

Maybe the inertia of not wanting to record lectures and having to play back through them later is due to the fact that i feel i am putting waay too much effort without getting the reciprocal result that i am craving for. I actually tried it last time, but i fell asleep through the recordings. This is bad right? Damn.
I have to start believing that no small effort on my part, is worthless. Richard Templar echoed that view. "Luck is just effort put in in the past that has been forgotten."

As long as i keep trying, i will succeed. I just need that self-belief, the courage to forge on, and the strength to ride out the shortcomings that may or may not be the turning in a gloomy pitch-black tunnel.

P/S: I realized that i have been posting far more frequently here, and i apologized if it looks like i am blog-spamming. I can't really express personal thoughts in my own blog because too many people read my blog – friends and foes alike. I am not exaggerating, and no i am not some kind of universal figure that everyone hates or loves. I just like to be cautious that's all. The less revealed the better. Aside from the Sisterhood, none of my other friends know of this blog, so it's pretty secluded (i hope).